


1x01: PILOT

by constanted



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Adaptation, Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, ao3 ate my formatting and i'm sorry, best to read this on desktop! sorry mobile folx, i wrote this in 2 hours as a joke and why SHOULDN'T i post it, picture your dreamcast of choice, the new 22 minute fantasy dramadey sitcom!!!! on fantasy seeso or something idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 10:46:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14163150
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constanted/pseuds/constanted
Summary: Logline: Inspired by the hit podcast, THE ADVENTURE ZONE: BALANCE centers on three adventurers in a high-fantasy setting. Magnus, Taako, and Merle are just looking to make a quick buck, but instead find themselves dragged into a quest to find seven cursed weapons, as well as the true meaning of friendship, or some corny shit like that.(or: the TAZ sitcom adaption that nobody wanted/needed/etc)





	1x01: PILOT

**Author's Note:**

> UHHHH
> 
> my college counsellor: work on scripts that you can ACTUALLY add to your portfolio! if you start working on it now, we can have someone critique it next year so we're not too rushed.  
> me: ya but taz adaption
> 
> so. i wrote this in 2 hours as a goof! just to practice screenwriting. it's a lil weird and lazy, but, hey, i'm having fun. i'm picturing this as a live-action single-camera show w/ some fun visual elements a la scott pilgrim (wright). i kinda messed w/ the plot and timeline a bit, and i edited some stuff for continuity's sake, but. hey!

 
    
    
    We open on a JELLYFISH in a tank. The room is dark around it,
    but it seems to GLOW a BRIGHT BLUE COLOR. A book--old paper,
    roughly bound, well-loved--falls into the tank. Then another,
    and another, and another, and another. All of these books
    look rough. A chime is heard--a F6 sharp note. It sounds
    PAINED.
      
    
    STATIC NOISE fills the room, and then begins to fade, as if
    the TIDE IS GOING IN.
      
    
    And muffled, we hear a VOICE--rich, dark, with a potential
    for GRAVITAS which has not yet been reached:  
      
    
    
    
                      WOMAN (O.S.)
             _Fuck.  
    _  
    
    Fade to black.
    
    
    TEN YEARS LATER - ACT 1
      
    
    FADE IN on the entrance to a CAVE, dark and foreboding. In
    The full shot is obscured by the shadowed body of a ORC
    WOMAN, KILLIAN 30s, burly, tall, with an almost comically
    large crossbow strapped to her back. She audibly EXHALES,
    nervous. She composes herself, and says:
      
    
                     KILLIAN
             --Okay. Okay. Shit. Here we go.
    
    
    
      
    
    She EXHALES again, and RUNS into the CAVE, full-force. The
    shot is fully DARK.
    
    
    
      
    
    A MAN, our NARRATOR, deep-voiced, comically dramatic,
    announces:  
      
    
    
    
    
                      NARRATOR (V.O.)
             Strap on your fantasy seatbelts and brace  
             your asses for...  
    
    **  
    THE ADVENTURE ZONE**
    
    
      
    
    And we see the title screen. BALANCE. And then, THE
    BEGINNING.
    
    
    
      
    
    INT. NEVERWINTER BAR - AFTERNOON  
    
      
    
    The bar is shady, sweaty. Orangey-brown tones and seedy folks  
     in corners, but not much else. There's some idle chatter, some  
    old-fashioned tunes, though, admittedly, it's just a LUTE COVER  
    of CARLY RAE JEPSEN'S RUN AWAY WITH ME, or something among those  
    lines. An elfin waitress is carrying around some BEER MUGS,  
    and what have you.  
      
    
    
    
    We approach one particular table, with five men around it--
    MAGNUS (early 30s, human, a fighter with big muscles and a
    bigger heart. At least, that's what he tells people, who are
    usually put off by such a statement), TAAKO (late 20s, a sun
    elf, a wizard who is either extremely high-fashion or
    constantly dumpster diving. He has a nervous demeanor), MERLE
    (50s, a dwarf, a cleric of the god Pan, and oh boy does he
    look it. Very granola), BARRY BLUEJANS (mid 30s, human,
    nondescript and nerdy), and GUNDREN (late 50s, MERLE's
    cousin, gruff as all hell).
    
    
    
      
    
    There is some sort of business deal going on.
    
    
      
    
                      GUNDREN
             My bodyman, Barry Bluejeans and I, will  
             be heading off tomorrow morning, and the  
             three of you will be following after us  
             with my cart. And, let me just say--  
             this is the last job you'll ever need to take.
    
    
      
    
                      TAAKO
                  (blasé)  
             How many zeroes, holmes?
    
    
    
      
    
                      GUNDREN
             I ain't gonna spill til the job's done,
             kid. So you three have worked together
             before?
    
    
    
      
    
    The three of them give entirely different responses. They are
    all lying. Room for improv, here.
    
    
    
      
    
                      GUNDREN
             Fine, whatever, I don't give a shit. Can I
             have your, uh, names and whatever again?
             Specialities?
    
    
    
      
    
                     BARRY BLUEJEANS
             Like, uh, hello. I'm Barry Bluejeans. I,
             uh--Bodyman. That's me. Just. For example,
             I guess.
    
    
    
      
    
    We see MAGNUS up close, playing with his WEDDING RING a
    little bit, and then beginning to groom his beard a bit with
    his hands. He's nervous, but he's trying to give out tough
    vibes.
    
    
      
    
                      MAGNUS
             Name's Magnus, I'm the, uh, best fighter
             you'll ever meet, probably. Not to brag,
             but, uh, I'm fucking strong as shit. So,
             yeah to brag, actually. I got, uh, big
             muscles, bigger heart.
    
    
    
      
    
    We see TAAKO, rolling his eyes a bit. Well, we think he's
    rolling his eyes, at least, he's wearing SHADES, and he seems
    to be chewing bubblegum. He's TOO COOL FOR SCHOOL, in theory.
    Not practice.
    
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
             Big heart's's actually not really what  
             you want in a merc, my man. Name's Taako,  
             like from TV, but, uh, let's keep that on  
             the d- l, mayhaps, cuz, uh--you know.
             I do magic, and shit.
    
    
    
      
    
    And we see MERLE, who looks out of place; he is a hippie
    uncle in a big city, and, hey, that FANNY PACK's gonna get
    him some pickpockets.
      
    
      
                     MERLE
             I'm Merle. Pan's my guy. Etcetera. That
             enough, cuz? I got--I gotta sleep, y'know?
             Before the ol' adventure.
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
             Hell yeah, catch those z's.
    
    
    
      
    
                     GUNDREN
             You have any weapons?
    
    
    
      
    
                     MAGNUS
             My whole body.
                 (beat)
             Also, uh, an axe and some other stuff. I'm
             well-stocked.
    
    
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
             Little thing called _magic,_ baby.
    
    
      
    
                     MERLE
             Got my hammer, got God, it's great.  
    
      
    
                     GUNDREN
             Okay, then, uh, catch those z's, I suppose.
             See you in Phandalin, with my shit.
    
    
    
    He EXITS.
    
    
      
                     BARRY BLUEJEANS (pleasant)  
              Uh. Nice to meet y'all.
    
    
    He also exits.
    
    
    
      
    
                      TAAKO
             Last job you ever need to take's kinda
             sketchy, right? Like, it's not just me
             thinking that.
    
    
    
      
    
                      MAGNUS
             Oh, yeah, absolutely, but it's not an
             adventure otherwise.  
    
      
    
    We CUT TO:
    
    
    EXT. THE OPEN ROAD - MORNING
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS is driving a wagon down the road, whistling as he
    does, while MERLE and TAAKO sit behind him. TAAKO is reading,
    unfocusedly, whilst MERLE is also whistling, but he's off
    beat.
    
    
    
      
    
                      MAGNUS
             So, what drew you guys to the adventuring
             life?
    
    
                      TAAKO AND MERLE,
                      SIMULTANEOUSLY  
    
             Money.
    
    
                      MAGNUS
             Oh, hey, same! Nice. Cool cool cool. I also
             like helping people, I think--
      
    
                      TAAKO
             Chill, dude. We can't all be lawful good.
    
    
    
      
    
                      MERLE
                 (clearly not involved in the
                 conversation)
             Is there, uh--somethin' up ahead? Few dozen
             yards?  
    
    
    
    
    
    TAAKO squints.
    
    
                      TAAKO
             Fuck, yeah, dude, uh--Maggie, dear, can
             you, uh--
    
    
    
      
    
                       MAGNUS
                  (speeding up the wagon)
             On it.
    
    
      
    
    We cut to A DEAD HORSE, with ARROWS AND SHIT in it. The BOYS
    are standing around it, not quite marveling, but certainly
    doing something close to it.
    
    
    
      
    
                       TAAKO
             That's a dead horse, huh?
    
    
    
      
    
                       MERLE
             Arrows and shit in it.  
    
      
    
                      MAGNUS  
             Fuck, dude, it's, uh. Gundren's. And  
             Barry Bluejeans', that's their horse.  
             Wow. So--
    
    
      
    
                      TAAKO
             And there's no Gundren or Barry Bluejeans
             bodies, so. They must've escaped?
    
    
    
      
    
                      MAGNUS
             Kidnapping's always an option. Gotta keep
             that shit in mind.
    
    
    
      
    
                     MERLE
             I was kidnapped, once.
    
    
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
             Only once?  
    
      
    
                    MERLE  
             Yeah.  
    
      
          
                    TAAKO  
             Cool. Soooo. That's sorta our--money  
             source, so we should maybe follow up  
             on those bad boys, yeah?
    
    
      
    
                   MAGNUS
             Yeah, probably.  
      
      
    
                   MERLE  
             He's also my cousin, and, uh. Family's  
             kinda important. 
    
    
      
    
                   TAAKO
             I heard him tell Barry Bluejeans that he'd
             never met you before in his damn life.  
    
      
    
                   MERLE  
             But we're cousins!
    
    
      
    
                  MAGNUS  
                   (emphatic)
             Family means nobody gets left behind,
             Taako.
                  (beat)
             Wait, is that--in the brush?
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS points forward, and spots some GERBLINS--three of
    them, to be exact. They're armed, maybe even dangerous. The
    BOYS each draw a WEAPON--MAGNUS pulls out his axe, TAAKO a
    wand, and MERLE a hammer.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS rushes in. A GERBLIN also rushes in.  
    
      
    
                  GERBLIN 1
               Get the hell away from our shit!
    
    
      
    
                  MAGNUS
                    (swinging, out of breath)
               It's not your shit! It's our boss'!
    
    
    
      
    
                  MERLE
                   (running forward a bit to attack a
                    second GERBLIN)
               Yeah, it's my cousin's shit, asshole!
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO lazily waves his wand, and some ICE comes out, blasting
    the third GERBLIN. The motion looks practiced, familiar.
    
    
    
      
    
    We see some more BATTLE, and then, we cut to our TRIO with
    three corpses around them. One of them has been SLICED IN
    HALF, probably by MAGNUS' AXE, but it's up for
    interpretation. Who knows, maybe MERLE did it.
    
    
    
      
    
                   TAAKO
             Is this the part where we loot them?  
    
    
    
    
    
                   MAGNUS
             I think?
    
    
    
      
    
                   MERLE
             Yeah, we should take their shit.
    
    
    
      
    
    They recover some GOLD, plus a TUBE with the word GUNDREN in
    cursive.
    
    
    
      
    
                   MERLE
             This is my cousin's, so--
    
    
    
      
    
                   TAAKO
             Yeeeeah, looks like we've got a kidnapping
             stitch. Love it! Love this, I just--your
             boy just needed some cash, not to get
             involved in some, like, murder mystery--
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS is visibly excited.
    
    
    
      
    
                  TAAKO
                    (grossed out)
              I love drama, and all, just--don't like  
              to be involved myself, ch'feel?
    
    
      
    
                 MAGNUS
                   (beaming)
             I am so ready for adventure, you have no
             clue.
    
    
    
      
    
    MERLE, uninterested grabs the TUBE and OPENS IT, finding a MAP.
    
    
    
      
    
                 MAGNUS
             Why would he need a map from Neverwinter to
             Phandolin?
    
    
    
      
    
                 MERLE
             I think he was tryin’ to pull something
             over on us.
                  (quietly)
             Never trusted him, the bastard. Fuck that
             guy. Actin' like I'm a stranger all the
             time, for Pan's sake.
                  (he affects his voice in a way
                  that sounds NOTHING LIKE GUNDREN)  
             Ooh Merle, you only showed up ten years  
             ago, we're not close or anything; _fuc_ k him.  
      
    
    
    
    
                TAAKO
                  (looking at the ground)
             There’s no dwarven or human blood here.
             Only horse blood. Which is, like. Kinda
             gross, sooo. Yikes. But also—
      
      
    
    TAAKO POINTS ahead. There is a PATH in the dirt that
    suggests people may have been DRAGGED through it, leading
    into the BRUSH.
    
    
    
      
    
                 TAAKO
             We should follow it? Maybe?
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS raises his hand.
    
    
    
      
    
                 MAGNUS
             I’m not a... super intelligent guy, but we’ve
             got a cart, like, packed to the brim with
             goods sitting here. Should we just be
             wandering off away from that?
    
    
    
      
    
                 TAAKO
                  (rolling his eyes)
             Okay, you stay here, whatever, guard the
             cart, I’m super into that. Merle and I—
    
    
    
      
    
                 MAGNUS
             Super great, cuz you two are both really
             good at fighting. Not like I’ve dedicated
             my entire being to it or—  
    
      
    
                 MERLE  
                   (confused)  
             I thought you were a carpenter.
    
    
    
      
    
                 MAGNUS
             I’m a fighter ’til iron goes out.
      
    
                 MERLE
             So not your _entire_ being, then.
    
    
    
      
    
                 MAGNUS
             Let’s hide the fuckin' wagon.
    
    
    
      
    
    And they DO THAT, hiding it between BRANCHES so that it is
    HARDLY VISIBLE. The three TAKE OFF into the woods, and we
    FADE TO BLACK.  
    
      
    
    FADE IN:  
    
    INT. FOREST - AFTERNOON.

 
    
    
    Our HEROES are beside a STREAM, beautiful, wide, and not too
    deep. Past it, there lies a CAVE--The same one that the WOMAN
    from earlier entered, by the looks of it. It’s clearly DARK,
    though TAAKO, MAGNUS, and MERLE can see a few yards into it.
    
    
    
      
    
                     MERLE
             If they ran off, I’ll bet my left arm that
             they’re in there. I have never trusted
             Gundren, okay?
    
    
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
             You found us this job.  
    
      
    
                     MERLE  
             And it pays. We’re not  
             exactly doing great financially  
             speaking, Mr. Sizzle it Up.
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO looks off to the side, disgruntled.
    They ENTER THE CAVE.
    
    
    
      
    
                      MAGNUS
             We’ll probably have to light a torch? I
             have a candle on me, but that’s probably
             not gonna cut it.
    
    
    
      
                      TAAKO
             Or--and hear me out, here, Burlyman. Magic.
             Also, Merle and I-- we got light vision.
             Very human-centric
             thinking on your part.
    
    
    
      
    
                     MAGNUS
                  (resigned)
             Fair. Except the human centric part, ‘cuz,
             like, I kinda need to see too? Maybe?
      
    
                     TAAKO
             Thank you. I’m always right.
    
    
    
      
      
                     MERLE
             I can cast Light? On a stick, or something,
             that’ll--  
      
    
    
    
      
                     MAGNUS
             If you cast it on my axe, though, how
             fucking cool would that be?
    
    
    
      
    
                     MERLE
                  (a bit annoyed)
            Fine.
    
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
             In fairness--it's actually kinda cool.
    
    
    
      
    
                     MAGNUS
             Aw, thanks, bud!
    
    
    
      
    
                      TAAKO
             We're not friends, Magno.
    
    
    
      
    
                      MAGNUS
             It's--it's Magnus.
    
    
    
      
    
                      TAAKO
             We're not friends, so I don't care.  
             I've known you two weeks, not a damn  
             century.  
    
    
      
                      MAGNUS  
                   (corny)  
             It doesn't take a century to make a friend.  
    
      
    
                     TAAKO  
              _Fuckin' humans._
    
    
      
    
    MERLE lights the AXE, giving MAGNUS clearer vision of the
    environment. It is now CLEARER, though the room is still
    DARK. From afar, a distant CLATTERING NOISE can be heard,
    similar to chains. The group walks towards the noise, to find
    that the path branches off into TWO CAVERNS. The one to the
    right seems to contain the source of the noise. The group
    STARES at it quizzically for a moment, and TAAKO elbows
    MERLE.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS RUSHES IN towards the RIGHT CAVERN.
    
    
    
      
    
                      TAAKO
                  (uninterested)
             I think I’m good chillin’ out here.
    
    
    
      
    
                     MERLE
                 (clearly upset)
             You dumbass kid, good God! Wait for us!
    
    
      
    
    A wave of BATS fly through the cave. TAAKO ducks, but MAGNUS
    continues running.  
    
    
    
    
                      TAAKO
                  (pissed)
              Gundren and Barry Fucking Bluejeans definitely know we’re here now.
    
    
      
    
    We CUT to BARRY BLUEJEANS, clad in DENIM, of course. His
    glasses are held together by old tape, and one lens has a
    crack running down it.
      
    
                     BARRY BLUEJEANS
                  (nervous)
             So, uh, what do you guys--
    
    
    
      
    
                     VOICE (O.S.)
             Somebody's gonna come looking for you,
             right? A rescue party.
    
    
    
      
    
                     BARRY BLUEJEANS
             I'm kinda a lone wolf, I work for myself.
             And also this, uh, coin that wh--  
    
      
      
                     VOICE (O.S.)  
             I don't care, you got coworkers.  
    
      
    
                     BARRY BLUEJEANS  
              That's, uh. Fair. That's definitely true  
              and fair, but, uh, please don't--is that a club?
    
    
      
    
    And BARRY BLUEJEANS is KNOCKED the FUCK OUT.
    
    
    
      
    
    We cut back to THE BOYS in THE CAVE. There are stalagmites
    all around, obscuring the image--rolling, as the crew walks
    forward.
    
    
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
             Those are some bitchin' cones of rock.
    
    
    
      
    
                     MERLE
             They mites or tites?
    
    
    
      
    
                     MAGNUS
             Tites are the ceiling ones, I think. I used
             to live on a mountain, few years back! What
             about you guys, where are--
    
    
    
      
                        
                    TAAKO  
             Are those--wolves?

 
    
    
    We pan over and, yeah there are some WOLVES tied to some
    CHAINS on some of the AFOREMENTIONED ROCK CONES.
    
    
    
      
    
                   MAGNUS
             Oh, man, I got this, I am so good with
             animals--I love dogs. Do you?  
    
      
    
                  TAAKO  
             Can we stop bonding and, uh, thwart the  
             fuckin' wolves?
    
    
      
    
                  MAGNUS
             Aw, fuck you, they're friendly!
    
    
    
      
    
                  MERLE
             Nature's our friend, Taako--  
    
      
    
                  TAAKO  
             Fuckin' stoner god cleric. Fuck.  
             Love it, love that granola vibe but, uh,  
             what the fuck, you are _too_ chill.
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS ignores this, and starts drawing closer to the wolves.
    They GROWL as he approaches, louder the closer he gets.  
    
      
    
    He WHISPERS:  
      
    
                   MAGNUS
             There's a crevice right behind them--uh.
             Like, a passageway? But it's really high  
             up. So. I dunno.
    
    
      
    
                  MERLE
             How'd you notice that?
    
    
    
      
    
                  MAGNUS
             I rolled a nat 20 on perception!  
    
      
    
                  MERLE  
              What?  
      
      
    
                  MAGNUS  
              What?
    
    
      
    
                  TAAKO
             I’m still chilling out here, if anyone’s
             curious.
    
    
                  MAGNUS
             Uh, yeah, I think we might join you. This
             isn't. Worth it, I think I was wrong about
             the wolves being friendly.
    
    
    
      
    
    They turn a different corner, and walk into a MUCH DARKER
    AREA. MERLE points ahead, toward a BRIDGE with a FIGURE atop
    it. MERLE elbows MAGNUS, who elbows TAAKO, who SIGHS, and
    then says:
    
    
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
                  (clearly not in the mood)
             Hello, friend!
    
    
    
      
    
    The figure GRUNTS, confused. MERLE opens his mouth, but
    MAGNUS elbows him.
    
    
    
      
    
                    MAGNUS
             No! Shh shh shh! Shut the fuck up! I think
             it's a--  
    
      
    
    He SQUINTS. We see his EYES--dark and SCARRED. Very gritty.
    
    
      
    
                    MAGNUS  
                (cheerfully)
             Yeah, it's a gerblin.
    
    
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
             Oh, I speak gerblin. Nice.
                (beat)
             Maal'duun, dhec!
    
    
    
      
    
    SUBTITLES pop out of TAAKO's mouth, making it evident that
    he's saying Hello, Friend! Again. This is to be expected for
    all non-Common language. Please. I don't want to type this
    direction out every time.
    
    
    
      
    
                    GERBLIN
             Duun’n daagaan?
    
    
    
      
    
                    TAAKO
             He's askin' who's there. Should I lie?
    
    
    
      
    
                    MERLE
             Fuckin' obviously.
    
    
    
      
    
                    TAAKO
             Daan’shaan dalaac a duuc dor. (We've taken
             a wrong turn!)
    
    
    
      
    
                    MERLE
             What's that mean?  
      
    
    
    
                    MAGNUS
             I heard the word for wrong, I think?
    
    
    
      
    
    TAAKO shushes them.
    
    
    
      
    
                    GERBLIN
             O shaagakec magaan. A duuch alol'dec
             maagel'dec kaaluulkaac o dor aguuc, den an
             khruur a haar halaan dhuur duugen. (You
             certainly have. I would actually heartily
             recommend you turn around, this is not a
             great place for tourism.)
    
    
    
      
    
                    TAAKO
             Daagaan daan dhon agaan daan, daac? (Where
             the fuck are we, then?)
    
    
    
      
    
                    GERBLIN
             Shuulkaan shuuraar, daac A'k daach. (Come
             closer, then I'll tell.)
    
    
    
      
    
                    TAAKO
             Oluul, Gh. Dhegec, shech or. A'gh lhon duc
             duun dhec ghec duul, A'gh tuuguul or
             kaal'dakhekec dhuur khruul. Kaaraan daan
             ghuugaan, duuc. Maac draalkec,
             maalkuurakaan. (Okay, Mr. Flirty, chill.
             I'm just trying to find my way, I'm sorta
             off relationships for now. Respect the
             move, though. Keep dreaming, kemosabe.)
    
    
    
      
    
                    GERBLIN
             Ot, dhon o. Kaar ghaan taan o. (Oh, fuck
             you. Let me see you.)
    
    
    
      
    
                    TAAKO
             A dech dar o, daan’raan zaagec drakaaguun,
             duuc daan ghaac o khruun mar. A duuch
             khruur torlaan kakec ac akhan oc an. (I
             will warn you, we’re very dangerous, though
             we mean you no harm. I would not suggest
             launching an attack on us.)  
    
      
    
      
    
                    MAGNUS  
              Okay, I got that, we're--  
                 (stage whispered)  
              We're level one, Taako.  
    
    
      
    
                   GERBLIN  
             Level one? Also, speak Common, I just couldn't  
             hear you at first, fuckin' Lord. Your accent's  
             incompre-fuckin'-hensible, in Gerblin.
    
    
      
    
                    MERLE
             Go ask the gerblin cut in half how  
             dangerous we are!
    
    
    
      
    
                    GERBLIN
             You cut- You cut a gerblin in half?!
    
    
    
      
    
                    MAGNUS
             Don't fuckin' tell him that!  
    
      
    
                    TAAKO  
             Oh, excellent, excellently - well played, I was  
             just trying to establish a rapport. A fucking  
             rapport, Uncle Vape, a rapport.
                  (he starts yelling at the GERBLIN,
                  again)
             You got gold, bud?  
      
    
      
                     GERBLIN  
              Yeah, but, uh, it's mine. You’re in our- you’re  
              in our hideout... you’re making me extremely  
              uncomfortable, I don’t know who you are, what you’re  
              doing.
    
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
             My name... My name is Taako. A friend of ours
             was taken, and his horses were killed.
             We’re searching for our friend.
    
    
    
      
    
                     GERBLIN
             Oooh shit, yeah, we... did that. Hey, guys!
             Someone’s here! Guys, it’s the guys from
             the horse thing!  
      
    
    
    
                      MAGNUS
                  (whispered)
              Why do you call Barry Bluejeans a friend,  
              but we're _not_ friends at the same time? I've  
              known you for longer.
      
    
                      TAAKO  
              By, like, two weeks, and I'm _lying_. Rapports,  
              Google Mags, they're important. And also, chill.
    
    
      
    
    GERBLINS start emerging from every corner of the room,
    shooting and throwing magic at the boys. MAGNUS and MERLE
    manage to duck, but TAAKO gets knocked down to a platform
    below the cliff they're on. He's not injured, but he's ALONE.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS braces himself for action, grabs his SHORTBOW. MERLE
    casts a SHIELD on him, and immediately gets hit with an
    ARROW. He GRUNTS, but he's NOT BADLY HURT. TAAKO throws up
    some ICE at the GERBLIN that HIT MERLE. It hits HARD.
    
    
    
      
    
    MAGNUS shoots some gerblins down, and eventually, there's
    only a few left. He hits the one TAAKO injured, killing him.
    He falls down to the same platform as TAAKO, and TAAKO
    nervously pushes him into the stream.
    
    
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
             That felt a little morally reprehensible.
                  (beat)
             Eh, who gives a shit.
    
    
    
      
    
    As he says this, WATER starts rising around the cave from the
    stream. A leftover GERBLIN has pulled a LEVER. MAGNUS and
    MERLE are hit, but TAAKO manages to crawl into a crevice. The
    water RETREATS, after a moment, and MERLE and MAGNUS are on
    the OTHER SIDE OF THE CAVE. TAAKO pushes himself out of the
    crevice.
    
    
    
      
    
    From a distance, we hear:
    
    
    
      
    
                    MERLE
             You okay, Taako?
    
    
    
      
    
                    TAAKO
             I’m fiiine! Don’t worry about Taako!
    
    
    
      
    
                    MAGNUS
             I'm really worried!
    
    
                    MERLE
             Don't need healing or anything?
    
    
    
      
    
                    TAAKO
             I'm pretty good, to be honest.
    
    
    
      
    
    And from the other side of the chamber, we hear a GERBLIN.
    
    
    
      
     
                     GERBLIN
             Did we get ‘em?
    
    
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
                  (voice affected)
             N-Nooo!
                  (beat)
             Oh, sorry, let me try again - Yes!
    
    
    
      
    
                     GERBLIN
             Which one is it, make up your mind!
    
    
    
      
                      TAAKO  
             No, we definitely got them!
    
    
    
      
    
                     GERBLINS
             Oh, thank gods. Should we come down there,
             or - is it, is it cool?
    
    
    
      
    
                     TAAKO
             Nah, nah, it's cool, I'm, uh. I got this,
             dude, I--
    
    
    
      
    
                      GERBLIN
             Eh, whatever. Clean up the mess, Jeff.
    
    
    
      
    
                      TAAKO
             Oh, yeah, I got you, I got you--
    
    
    
      
    
    Exit GERBLIN.
    
    
    
      
    
    The BOYS reunite, and exit the chamber. As they walk, MAGNUS
    draws them in closer for a hug.
    
    
    
      
    
                      MAGNUS
             We won!  
      
    
    
    
                      TAAKO
             Yeah, uh, we--tight grip, bud, loosen up.
    
    
    
      
    
    But he LAUGHS. And the hug gets TIGHTER. It's almost cute.  
    
      
    
    We FADE TO BLACK.
    
    
    
      
    
    And then we see the ORC WOMAN from earlier. She's in a
    similar CAVERN, looking EXHAUSTED, and seated CRISS-CROSS. A
    TENT is pitched near her, and a FIRE is started. She's
    speaking into a STONE.
    
    
    
      
    
                      KILLIAN
             I--there are other folks in the caves, you
             know, Director, I don't--Like, I can hear
             'em.
    
    
    
      
    
    A voice--the SAME VOICE of the woman from the first scene,
    though it has achieved the aforementioned GRAVITAS, by now,
    responds.
    
    
    
      
    
                      WOMAN (O.S.)
             I wouldn't worry about it, Killian.
             Explorers. They're common around these
             parts, no?
    
    
    
      
    
                       KILLIAN
             If they're after the
                  (static)
             though, it'll be--I'll have to go after
             them.
    
    
    
      
    
                       WOMAN (O.S.)
             Don't kill them. I--look, Killian, I need
             you to trust me. Have I let you down?
    
    
    
      
    
                        KILLIAN
             No, Director, I trust you--wholeheartedly.
             I promise, but I--
    
    
      
    
                        WOMAN (O.S.)
             Killian.
                  (a sigh, and a beat. She is
                  NERVOUS, with a strange hint of
                  EXCITEMENT in her tone)
             Look, I'm going to--let you in on
             something. I set up a team of adventurers
             I'd like to recruit. I'll give you more
             information when it's necessary. Keep your
             eyes on the mission, though. You need the
                  (static)
             first and foremost. Okay?
    
    
    
      
    
                        KILLIAN
             Okay. I--get the
                  (static)
             catch the Spider. All of that. Normal day
             at the office.
                  (whispered)
             Normal-fucking-day at the office.
    
    
    
      
    
                        WOMAN (O.S.)
             I believe in you. Good luck, Killian.
                  (beat)
             And watch your mouth.  
    
      
    
    And we FADE.
    
    
                                                                **TO BE CONTINUED.**
                                                                

**Author's Note:**

> idk if i'll continue this but i had fun :^)! for original writing, check out violetbeach.com.


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